I have a cabin at Bear Lake. A cabin where I can do whatever I want. Go whenever I want and take whomever I want.
It’s weird looking back. All the parties there, the late nights, blue-darts, crazy hook-ups, the eerie sounds at night, the people showing up that no one knew, the cold nights, the hot nights, the friends, the babes, the days on the lake and did I mention the crazy hook-ups? It’s weird looking back on all of that now. Because none of it ever happened.
I don’t even know where the cabin is. I don’t want to.
I only have one image of the cabin in my head. That’s of it sitting on a trailer, ready to be moved.
I barely remember the grounds where the cabin now sits. An area surrounded by trees, an area with no trees, just big enough for a cabin to sit. Standing in the treeless patch you had a clear view of the stunning blue water of Bear Lake. That’s all I remember of it.
I never saw that cabin come off that trailer. I know it now sits in that treeless patch facing the blue waters of Bear Lake, but I can’t go back there. I don’t know where it is. I don’t want to know.
It’s been 18 years since I last saw that cabin sitting on the trailer. It’s the only image of the cabin I have and it’s one to many. I don’t want any images of that cabin in my head. I have a hard time just going back to Bear Lake; I could never look at that cabin again.
When I said goodbye two years ago, I thought it would be easier. I knew I could never go to Bear Lake without the memories coming back. But I thought I could at least go to Bear Lake without the tears.
I was wrong, as my latest trip to Bear Lake showed. The tears still follow. I was also wrong in not wanting them to follow, or thinking they wouldn’t follow just because I said goodbye.
I’m still standing there. Standing near the lake, the cabin on the trailer in front of me. A part of me will always just be standing at Bear Lake. Saying goodbye didn’t change that. I realize that now. Now, I’m glad a part of me is still standing there. Standing there helps me remember.
Some things should always bring tears to your eyes.
I used to try and stall the tears that followed me to Bear Lake. I’d try to keep myself occupied. Keep my mind on other things. But they’d always come. Whether they came at the lake when I’d have a moment to myself or when I’d get back home, the tears would always come.
I used to think the day would come when the tears would stop following me to Bear Lake. But now, 18 years later, I don’t think they are going to. The tears still follow me to Bear Lake and I don’t want the day to come when they don’t.
