I want everyone to know this going in, today's web log may be sub par. For measuring purposes sub par compared to my normal work is really, really crappy, instead of the usual really crappy.
Today I am working at a disadvantage. I'm pretty sure I didn't get all of the conditioner washed out of my hair during my morning shower. I didn't realize it until I was fully dressed. I tried to wash it out by sticking my head under the sink. The sink just isn't the same as the shower head. You can't get it all out. I got a lot of it, but there is still some there. I think it's more psychological than physical (although my head does feel a little heavier). Either way, my writing is going to be severely affected.
I was driving around just to drive last night. It's been a while since I'd done. I used to do it all the time. I'd just drive around listening to music. I think I'd partially do it just to justify my itunes addiction. If I drove around I'd listen to the music I just bought, therefore making me feel vindicated for buying it. Just for the record I added up my total itunes expenses the other day.
Hearing some songs would take me back to a time and place. I'd just drive around remembering a memory until the next song came. If there was no memory connected to a song I'd remember something and make the connection to the song. Thus making a memory connected to the song.
This is not quite the way it worked last night. Songs still brought back memories. The problem is that they were memories of me driving around remembering memories. I could see myself driving in the car, but I couldn't remember what I was thinking about. The only way I knew that I wasn't having an out of body experience, watching myself drive, is that I was driving in a different location from what I was seeing in my mind.
What started out as me trying to lock away memories by tying them to songs as I drove has now gone south. It's just me driving around thinking about how I used to drive around. I don't make memories anymore, unless they are of me driving around. I don't do anything anymore.
I suppose the easiest way to change this is to start doing stuff. Start making new memories. Then when I drive around I'll have stuff to lock away in my memory. Doing stuff is hard though. I've found an easier way.
Stealing memories.
I was at the basketball game the other day. I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom (for those that are wondering, the answer is no, I didn't wash my hands).
I walked into the bathroom. The only people in there were these two kids, sitting up against the wall. The had to be around 13 years of age. One of the kids was bawling. The other kid has his arm around the crybaby. Crybaby kept trying to wipe his tears away. He was probably too cool to cry. He couldn't let his friend see him cry. I don't think they even noticed that I had come into the bathroom.
"It's all right man," said the non-crying kid. An awkward pause persisted before he spoke again. "She said she still want to be friends. She just doesn't like you that way anymore."
Halftime of the basketball game started. Hoards of men began to flood the bathroom. The two kids continued to sit up against the wall, oblivious to the sea of men now in the bathroom. Crybaby was still crying, his friends arm still around him.
I don't know who the situation was more awkward for. The men who had just walked into the bathroom and had no idea what these two were doing or me, who knew.
What a great memory for those two kids. I'm going to take it. It's going to take some time, but one day I will run into an old buddy (let's call him Casey) and have this exchange.
"Hey Casey!" i say. "What's up man?"
"Oh hey man! I haven't seen you in years."
"I know, it has been forever."
This is where the long pause happens. There is always this pause when you run into an old buddy that you've lost contact with over the years. The pause happens because you have nothing to talk about. If you did have something to talk about you never would have lost contact with each other in the first place. So one of you goes and brings back up an old memory the two of you shared. You'll both revel in the reminiscing of the memory. Then one of two things happen. You finish reminiscing and you both stand there awkwardly and eventually walk away from each other. Or you start talking about what each other has been up to since you last saw each other. I don't know what's going to happen with this particular meeting. I could speculate, but that isn't what this story is about. It's about the reminiscing.
"Hey," I say. "Remember that time we went to the Aggie basketball game in 7th grade?"
"Do I? Which time?"
"The time that Ashlee dumped me. We were at the top of section L, just hanging out like we always did. She just walked up with a bunch of her friends and dumped me. They all walked away and I just stood there crying. You put your arm around me and walked me to the bathroom. How long did we sit there? Thirty minutes?"
"At least, man. At least. You were pretty shaken up."
"Yeah I was. I don't even know why anymore. What's that whore up to these days?"
"I don't know. I heard she joined a convent."
He knows she didn't join a convent. He just doesn't want to tell me what she is really doing. She's in porn now. But he's still a good friend that cares about my feelings. Even if we haven't seen each other in years. He isn't going to tell me that she is sleeping with vacuums now, but she wouldn't even fake, 7th grade date me.
I miss Ashlee.
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